Boundaries

According to Wikipedia, personal bounderies are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.

There are several areas where bounderies may apply.  Material, physical, mental, emotional, sexual and spiritual.  All six of these areas come into play in the world of escorting.  This is why it is so very important to establish them - both the client AND companion!

Recently, it's been made known I haven't been doing a very good job at valuing my own personal boundaries.  When I first became independent last year, my whole goal was being this unstoppable, powerful, companion that defied all limits.  I wouldn't tell anyone my first name, my address, or any personal information about me.  I wouldn't develop feelings for a client.  I would strictly come in and do my job and go home.  Keeping the two worlds separate.  I failed miserably.

Why did I fail at this?  Why am I taking the blame? Part of it is because I am a highly emotional person.  I always see the best in other people and assume what they are doing is from the bottom of the heart.  But I realize there is an element to this industry that makes it super hard to trust anyone is doing anything from the "kindeness" of their own heart.

I never ever like to rat people out.  I think we all know this about me.  My Mama taught me well and taught me to always be the bigger person.  But I have had one hell of a year of being hurt by people I thought I could trust.  Girls spreading nasty lies, rumours, and jealous hurtful remarks.  Clients intruding in my personal life and details I tried to keep private.  And a so called male "friend" who completely took advantage of me and in which I spent a year long "imprisonment" to his controlling and emotinally abusive behaviour.  This certain well known man in the industry had all my passwords to my acounts, personal information he said was to use for my "taxes", and basically acted like a glorified pimp in which I owed him time and sexual favours in return for him checking my email.  Every terb ad posted would have to be his wording, his choice.  My blogs were always rewritten according to how he thought it should be.  Even simply driving him around (yes I did this) I would be ordered to go faster, slower, change lanes.  I remember one night in particular I was dropping him off to his car and as we approached it I said "There is your car."  He said, in front of my friend "No it's not silly.  You don't know what you're talking about."  We got closer and it most definitely was his car, but to actually admit I was right or perhaps had a voice was too hard for him to admit.  The whole basis of the relationship reolved around me needing him - not being okay to do it on my own.  Not being able to make my own choices in life, in this industry, or with my own personal time.  Mind you, this man did help me huge.  He got me started and provided advice that I wouldn't have known otherwise.  However, it came at a cost - and that price was my freedom.  Not worth it.  I still hear his voice in my head, always barking at me what to do or not to do. "Don't do that!"  "Sit down!"  "Turn here!"  "Do it this way!"  Like I was a lost puppy!

I eventually had enough.  I told him to get lost.  I came clean to my family and friends about my relationship to him just in case of revenge where his only upper hand was to "tell on me" and my job as a companion to those close to me. I figure if I had nothing to lose, what could he do to me?  The only thing left would be to kill me.  (Which yes, I had many dreams that he did that.  Thankfully I have a great therapist)

From there I also cut out a few other "clients" who were getting way too in depth into my personal life. I figured I better nip it in the butt before it gets out of hand like the other one. Whether it was an obsession or control, I really don't know.  But I had enough.  The day I broke free of all these things was the day my life started anew.  I knew this change would spark a new fire in me to be better.  A better person and companion.  And kick ass!  It was just a healing process and for me to learn that I was worth it and I could do this on my own and I was ENOUGH.  I was GOOD ENOUGH!

One client, who used to be super close to me, would make me feel like shit anytime I asked him to respect my privacy.  He would push my buttons by then asking personal questions, and prying.  I finally asked for him to leave me alone, and please stop contacting me.  I didn't hear from him again.  He would tell all girlfriends of mine (fellow SP's that he would see) that I was "mad at him"  So be it.  I thought it was pretty much over.  Until last week.  Again, keep in mind, he was one of those few clients who knew my personal address as we would do social dates when I was off for my boob job a year ago.  He would pick me up and we would do dinner at a place near my home so I wouldn't have to travel all the way into Toronto.  He always promised me he would never ever take advantage of knowing my address or do anything to not respect my privacy.  I thanked him.  However, a man scorned doesn't do that well I suppose.  This is what happened.  Last week while I was in Chicago, I had a close family member of mine picking up my mail for me.  This person informed me that I had a package that arrived.  I was curious!  Not thinking I had anything to hide, I told them to open it, as maybe it was something off Amazon that I forgot about.  Do you know what it was?  A personal note from the client saying how good I looked in all my pictures (I blocked him on Twitter so how he sees I have no idea, maybe my website) and some other personal information in the letter and a book titled "Thriving in Sex Work".  When this personal family member saw this, they were in shock and crying.  So was I.  How could someone be so blatantly disrespectful to send something like that to my home address?  I have never been so hurt and shocked.  My secret was out.  How do you lie about that one?  You don't.  What do you do?  You LEARN.  You get stronger.  And you learn to run one hell of a tight ass ship. I cried for about 5 minutes.  But then after this person offered me love and support, I could feel my heart hardening again.  But in a good way.  In a way that was saying "No longer will I let someone treat me like this.  No longer will I make someone make me feel inferior without my consent.  No longer will I allow others to trample through my personal life and destroy it.  No longer will another person take advantage of me"

Today is a new day.  But I am writing this blog so that all of you who read this, know the importance about respecting a companions privacy and bounderies.  Just because you are "paying" for a women's time does not give you entitlement to anything beyond the time you have with her. I have always respected my clients privacy.  I would never interfere with their personal life and their choices outside their time with me.  That is why you should be seeing me!  This is an experience.  An escape.  Why would you want any extra stress or someone meddling around in your personal affairs? Sure, during our time together let's be real and let's live up this fantasy and love every moment.  But it ends when we both leave that day. 

As humans, we have rights.  We have the right to say "no".  We have the right to say "yes".  We have the right to be addressed with common courtesy and respect.  We have the right to cancel or change commitments, to ask for help, to be left alone, etc.  It has taken a whole year for me to learn this. To not feel bad to stick up for myself.  For my life.  For my privacy. To be able to say "no". 

I don't want you to fall in love with me.  I know it's hard (haha! Seriously.  I am pretty cute and fun!) I want you to respect me and respect my business.  Just like I respect yours.  I am not jaded or upset anymore by these men.  I know there is no point in even trying to speak my mind with them as they will always think they are right, that they did nothing wrong.  But the picture is so crystal clear.  My boundaries were compromised.  They were broken.  And they made me less of a human.  Until now.

Cassandra Cox is back baby.  She is taking appointments starting September 6. And you are going to love what you get in return.  A spicy, sultry firecracker who is witty as fuck.  Who loves to fuck.  And after it's over?  Let's all just cherish the good times we had until I see you again.

Until next time...Stay classy Toronto ;)

Cassandra Cox